The depression

Some days the depression eats away at me until I can’t bear it anymore.  Other days I feel like I am on top of the world and nothing can bring me down. Maybe this is where the mania comes in, where it truly becomes manic depression or bipolar disorder.  I’ve never noticed it in myself.  I never have considered myself bipolar.  Perhaps it has been denial.  Who knows.  All I know is that it needs to be treated.  I’m currently taking Paxil 20 mg, Zyprexa 7.5 mg, and supposed to be taking trazodone 150 mg at night for sleep but have run out with no medical insurance to cover it.  I’m also taking BuSpar at 15 mg twice a day.  I’m sure all of those medications could be and need to be increased in dosage in order to affect me in any way but so far my psychiatrist has not done it. The Zyprexa gives me tardive dyskinesia at high doses and I tremble uncontrollably and cannot bear it.  If the side effects are worse than what the drug is for, taking it is futile.  That brings me to therapy. My psychiatrist seems to think therapy is the key to my survival and that without it, I’ll never thrive.  I think it’s a crock of crap.  Talking to someone for an hour at a rate of who knows what an hour is no more beneficial than talking to my boyfriend heart to heart for an hour or so. I don’t feel any different after either conversation, honestly.  I wish I could have a more open mind about it but after going through it off and on for more than 15 years, it gets pretty old.  Medication seems to be my only salvation and during times like now when it’s not working for me, it’s hard to be confident in a bright future for myself. 

 

School is going alright with the exception of some project management things that are really bogging down on my brain.  I feel out of my league with other IT majors who have tons of experience and education under their belt, not to mention IT certifications that I don’t have and can only dream of having.  I’m taking it one day at a time but am beginning to really think this is not the major for me and that healthcare management or business administration would be a better fit.  I’ll give it a few more weeks and see.

 

The kids came home sick from their dad’s again, with mosquito bites all over from a trip up north to visit his girlfriend’s dad. They always come home with some ailment or another, it never ceases to amaze me.  He did tell me he put them on his medical assistance now and that I can finally get Kaia her asthma medication at the pharmacy. That may take away from my benefits but at least the kids are covered.

 

Well that’s all for now. Kaia is calling me and I need to get some things done around the house.