Medical assistance? DENIED!

I have no idea how they can do that but I’ve been denied medical assistance or food stamps.  I am unemployed, live on unemployment, and have 2 kids to take care of. They told me I made too much money last year and that I get too much money in unemployment now. Unemployment is not income, it’s supplementation.  Here I am, almost out of medications, my psychiatrist just quit me because I missed 3 appointments, and I have no one to see, no one to refill my meds, it’s God awful.  My only hope is my social worker/psychologist that I see every week.  She’s been helping me navigate the system.  My only other option is FT job or MinnesotaCare, but I’d still have premiums and am not sure if I’d qualify. So I guess all we can do is wait and see what the welfare worker has to say on Monday.  Saying prayers every day for some relief soon.  I’m getting really fed up.

In other news, this restless leg shit has to go.  Even during the day my legs feel like they have pins and needles in them and it’s driving me absolutely apeshit.  I know I probably need medication for it, but there we go again—no healthcare or doctor to treat me.

 

Suffering. Like.Usual.

The depression

Some days the depression eats away at me until I can’t bear it anymore.  Other days I feel like I am on top of the world and nothing can bring me down. Maybe this is where the mania comes in, where it truly becomes manic depression or bipolar disorder.  I’ve never noticed it in myself.  I never have considered myself bipolar.  Perhaps it has been denial.  Who knows.  All I know is that it needs to be treated.  I’m currently taking Paxil 20 mg, Zyprexa 7.5 mg, and supposed to be taking trazodone 150 mg at night for sleep but have run out with no medical insurance to cover it.  I’m also taking BuSpar at 15 mg twice a day.  I’m sure all of those medications could be and need to be increased in dosage in order to affect me in any way but so far my psychiatrist has not done it. The Zyprexa gives me tardive dyskinesia at high doses and I tremble uncontrollably and cannot bear it.  If the side effects are worse than what the drug is for, taking it is futile.  That brings me to therapy. My psychiatrist seems to think therapy is the key to my survival and that without it, I’ll never thrive.  I think it’s a crock of crap.  Talking to someone for an hour at a rate of who knows what an hour is no more beneficial than talking to my boyfriend heart to heart for an hour or so. I don’t feel any different after either conversation, honestly.  I wish I could have a more open mind about it but after going through it off and on for more than 15 years, it gets pretty old.  Medication seems to be my only salvation and during times like now when it’s not working for me, it’s hard to be confident in a bright future for myself. 

 

School is going alright with the exception of some project management things that are really bogging down on my brain.  I feel out of my league with other IT majors who have tons of experience and education under their belt, not to mention IT certifications that I don’t have and can only dream of having.  I’m taking it one day at a time but am beginning to really think this is not the major for me and that healthcare management or business administration would be a better fit.  I’ll give it a few more weeks and see.

 

The kids came home sick from their dad’s again, with mosquito bites all over from a trip up north to visit his girlfriend’s dad. They always come home with some ailment or another, it never ceases to amaze me.  He did tell me he put them on his medical assistance now and that I can finally get Kaia her asthma medication at the pharmacy. That may take away from my benefits but at least the kids are covered.

 

Well that’s all for now. Kaia is calling me and I need to get some things done around the house.

Today

Today really wasn’t that bad.  I drank a lot of fluid, rested a lot, and started to feel somewhat better.  We went to see The Social Network at the theater and I was able to calmly sit through it and enjoy it.  I was surprised. I was even able to come home and do some homework, eat something, take a bath. I feel a lot better than I did but know I have a long road ahead of me.  The kids come home tomorrow so hopefully that will help me feel better, too. Today I started a project for my project management class.  I have to develop a Wi-Fi setup for an airport.  I have no idea what I’m doing. Hopefully I can figure it all out.  Well that’s it for today. I hope tomorrow is better than today and I’m sure it will be.

 

~Amy

Accusations

Tonight I went over the edge and accused my fiancee of cheating on me with women he knew online. It turned out they were only friends and not girlfriends or ex's. I felt pretty stupid. We argued, even in front of the kids. It's so hard to separate space when you live in such a small house. We had pizza for dinner, I didn't feel up to cooking. Like always, I had to get the door and that was a drag for me, I never feel comfortable doing that or giving the tip, figuring it out, stuff like that. My ex-husband stopped by to see my daughters with his girlfriend and her kids in tow and everyone left in tears because they couldn't go to daddy's house tonight to sleep over, they had to wait until the weekend. It was so emotionally draining on me and the kids. I don't know if it's worth the struggle to put them through this every week. I feel like cutting off all ties and moving away would be the best thing for everyone. I'd love to live in Phoenix and have priced houses out there. It's an option, anyway.

My oldest daughter didn't want to go to school today. She said she didn't feel good. I think it's a combination of the fighting in my house, the situation with her dad, and the bully at school. I feel so bad and don't know what to do with her beyond taking her to therapy. The therapist recommended medication but I'm not sure I'm willing to go that route with a 6-year-old yet. I guess we'll wait and see.

I missed my psychiatry appointment today and my therapist appointment because of my boyfriend's job interview and arguments. I needed to go pretty badly and am not sure where to turn now, especially in lieu of not having medical insurance at the moment. My fingers are crossed that something comes through this week.

Well, that's it for now. Will update tomorrow. Be blessed and keep the faith.

Amy

We are out there

There is a secret society. It is underground in grottos and hidden by walls but we are out there. Mothers who have mental illness and are suffering, trying to take care of their children, keeping the house clean, possibly looking for a job or hoping that social security disability will come through. In this secret society are gems, mothers with minds that have infinite power and the ability to unlock doors to so many things. These mothers have fought tooth and nail to keep their children with them, struggled through divorces, made it through the first day of school, and have come through with such precise wisdom and knowledge to create a new generation of women that can live their lives gracefully. I am a part of this secret society and am proud of it. I have suffered with mental illness in the form of depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder for many years. I have dealt with the threats of losing my children due to my illness, the stigma that comes along with mental illness, and have had to break down doors in order to be heard. I know what it's like. I hope to get to know more women with mental illness who are caring for their children and who know how hard it is.  There are many of us out there and we have been silent, quiet warriors for quite some time and it's time to reveal ourselves to the world and let people know that we are human too. We have needs and wants and desires. We want what is best for our kids, too. Just because we take medication it doesn't mean we are incapable of supplying love to our children. I hope to blog more about this issue and get some feedback from other women struggling. I know I am not alone.